jail dispatch #5: proust questionnaire from mark

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jail dispatch #5: proust questionnaire from mark

hi everyone, it's me, jamie, from jail, where i live. i was framed for f'ing a kid that i didn't f by this messed up guy named mark who is the owner of the jail (called chili's for mark) and the warden of the jail my prison cellmate who types these things up for me and it turns out my mom, which is like, idk, messed up. 

all that aside, this is a blog, and blogs should have fun content. if there is anything i love, it is strong branded content that you can talk about at the jail bar, musing on the idea of webseries, who should have them, and why they are important creative expression. one thing Blog People do (i am a blog person) (ghost mark agrees) is allow people to write guest posts because they don't have time to write themselves, or because they are currently in the basement of the jail with the kid they allegedly f'd and are a little FREAKING busy right now.

anyways, mark is our guest poster today and he is doing a proust questionnaire. it's a list of questions written by a very smart jackass who spent a lot of time writing essays in bed because some ppl just NEED to do more homework, idk why, i would take his lunch money though. he wrote these questions when he was 20 and like everyone when they're 20, we should totally listen to them.

and now

GUEST POST FROM MARK

WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST FEAR?
BIRDS

WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT STATE OF MIND?
CAN YOU WRITE OFF 'OWNING A CHILI'S' ON YOUR TAXES

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE OCCUPATION?(WAY OF SPENDING TIME)
PUTTING PEOPLE IN JAIL. MEETING KIDS

WHAT HISTORICAL FIGURE DO YOU MOST IDENTIFY WITH?
THE ONE WHO PLAYED THE VIOLIN WHEN EVERYONE GOT SO PISSED

WHICH LIVING PERSON DO YOU MOST ADMIRE?
LAWYER MARK. HE'S GOT GREAT JACKETS

WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE FICTIONAL HERO?
JAMIE, I MADE HER UP AND THEN I PUT HER IN JAIL WHERE SHE BELONGS

WHO ARE YOUR REAL-LIFE HEROES?
WAR MARK. HE STARTED A WAR AGAINST A LOCAL 7-11 FOR REFUSING TO SELL HIM LUCKY STRIKES AFTER HE ROBBED THE STORE AT GUNPOINT. HE WAS KILLED IN COMBAT (TRYING TO BREAK INTO THE 7-11 BY FORCE IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT WHILE THE DIMINUTIVE MANAGER, FRANTIC TO PROTECT HIS FAMILY AND THE INTEREST OF THE CHAIN STORE HE HAD DEDICATED HIS LIFE IN SUSTAINING, WAITED WITH A GUN)

WHAT IS YOUR MOST TREASURED POSSESSION?
MY GUN. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE IT BUT I LIKE TO WAVE IT AROUND LIKE THE LEOTARD GIRLS WITH THE RIBBONS

WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU HAPPIEST?
THIS MORNING I SHOT WHAT I THOUGHT WAS A BIRD BUT TURNED OUT TO BE AN SUV STUCK IN A TREE. NOW I HAVE AN SUV AND IT HAS A BUNCH OF COOL HOLES THAT I CAN STICK MY MARK INTO

WHAT IS YOUR MOST OBVIOUS CHARACTERISTIC?
BEING A GENIUS, AND BEING FURIOUS

WHAT IS THE TRAIT YOU MOST DEPLORE (HATE) IN YOURSELF?
MARK RULES BABY

WHAT IS THE TRAIT YOU MOST DEPLORE IN OTHERS?
INNOCENCE

WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST EXTRAVAGANCE?
SPENDING MONEY ON CARS, SPENDING MONEY ON ALCOHOL, KILLING TEENS WITH MY CAR, PAYING TO HAVE THEM TURNED INTO BRONZE STATUES

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE JOURNEY?
 

WHAT DO YOU MOST DISLIKE ABOUT YOUR APPEARANCE?
I'M SEXUALLY APPEALING AND OMNIPOTENT

WHAT DO YOU CONSIDER THE MOST OVER-RATED VIRTUE?
IMPULSE CONTROL AND RESPECT FOR YOUR FELLOW MAN

ON WHAT OCCASION DO YOU LIE?
WHEN I DID IT (NOT F'D THAT KID) (THAT WAS JAMIE) (GOOD THING SHE'S IN JAIL)

WHICH WORDS OR PHRASES DO YOU MOST OVER-USE?
"YOU'RE GONNA BE IN JAIL UNTIL YOU'RE DEAD" OR "JUSTICE IS ME"

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
CARS FOR ARMS

WHAT DO YOU CONSIDER YOUR GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT?
I CAN'T LEGALLY DISCLOSE, BUT IT IS GROSS

WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE?
I AM ABLE TO MAKE MYSELF VERY SMALL AND SLEEP IN TIN CANS AND THIS IS THE LIFE I HAVE DREAMED FOR MYSELF

WHAT IS THE QUALITY YOU MOST ADMIRE IN A MAN?
OWNING A JAIL BUT TREATING IT LIKE A CHILI'S

WHAT IS THE QUALITY YOU MOST ADMIRE IN A WOMAN?
THE INABILITY TO ESCAPE FROM JAIL

WHAT IS IT YOU MOST DISLIKE?
JUSTICE

WHAT DO YOU VALUE MOST IN YOUR FRIENDS?
CARS, MONEY, ABILITY TO BE DUPED INTO PUTTING BOTH OF THESE THINGS UNDER MY NAME

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO DIE?
NO

IF YOU WERE TO DIE AND COME BACK AS A PERSON OR AN ANIMAL, WHAT DO YOU THINK IT WOULD BE?
I DIED ONCE AND CAME BACK AS A KID

IF YOU COULD CHOOSE AN OBJECT TO COME BACK AS, WHAT WOULD YOU CHOOSE?
HANDICAPPED BATHROOM, OR A GUN

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO (WORDS YOU LIVE BY OR THAT MEAN A LOT TO YOU)?
MARK RULES

WHO HAS BEEN THE GREATEST INFLUENCE ON YOU?
CHILI'S MENU CIRCA 2005

wow, that sucked.

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jail dispatch #4: MARK IS MY MOM

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jail dispatch #4: MARK IS MY MOM

too long, i am a consumer of true crime media and treating this whole thing like a joke just cut to the chase, you B: MARK IS MY MOM.

as you know, i am in jail for f'ing a kid but i didn't do it, mark f'd that kid, it wasn't me, but he framed me and now i'm in jail and mark is the warden and mark is also my court-appointed lawyer so i'm as f'd as that kid was before he died of unrelated causes.

this, of course, is so freaking messed up that it makes me puke and, until today, i had no one to tell about it except for ghost mark, my cellmate. ghost mark is kind enough to post these dispatches for me because entering the wi-fi password would count as a full admission of guilty - it has recently been changed to Network: "I Can't Believe I'm Not F'ing a Kid Right Now" and Password: "I relinquish my rights to Mark, who would never f a kid." (thanks for doing this, ghost mark.)

visiting me in jail is difficult. while some fucked up members of the public have attempted to after breaking headlines like "jamie: she f'd the kid" and "mark? he would never!" were published in the LA times:

but these people are super messed up and were not permitted to enter jail. my court-appointed lawyer mark has visited me several times to discuss my court date at which i will plead that "mark rules" under duress, but i've noticed that no one in my family has come to visit me. 

people visit my jail friends all the time. mr. trombone's wife visits him every day, for instance. because the jail, called chili's (for mark) is set up and operates like a chili's, i've seen prisoners as notorious as jimmy the pigeon sodomizer eat bottomless wings and terrible soup with pigeon families he's made peace with, and maria "the slop trough" snowplow recommend dangerous ayn rand titles to her son zachary, who is half human and half zamboni. usually, i receive no visitors. this is very cool and punk, but also very lonely and punk.

today, the warden (who is mark) told me i had a visitor.

quoth warden mark, "it is your mother." he had a kid with him which was alarming to me because of his reputation for, well, you know. (he might f it.) then, he did not move.

quoth i, "where is mom?" the kid trembled. he was not sure who f'd a kid, but he knew it was definitely either me or mark so, you know, he was scared. of getting f'd. warden mark gestured at himself as if to say, "here i am."

i stood up, which made the kid flinch. he didn't wanna get f'd. i looked at warden mark and heard her mark-like voice and realized that it was all so familiar. sure, i'd first seen mark right after he f'd that kid in the handicapped bathroom and shouted 'i did it! i f'd that kid just like everyone said i would!' but it was more than that. i knew that face and that voice, the one being ascribed to mark, for twenty-three years.

mark is my mom.

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"mark, omg. you're my mom?" i quipped.

"that was moreso a statement than a quip," answered mark, my mom.

"oh," quoth i.

"that's more like it," replied warden mark (my mom).

"you did it, mark. you f'd that kid. and you are my mom."

warden mark, my mother, smiled a devious mark smile. "that would be extremely messed up, if true."

"please do not f me," quoth the kid.

i should have known. growing up, my mom would always host dinner parties. lovely ones, with lots of kids. sometimes at the dinner table, after a glass of wine, everyone's eyes would roll back into their heads and they would say, "someday, you will f a kid" and my mom laughed nervously and said, "who, me? mark? haha. maybe. now who would like kombucha?"

i should have known. as a kid, my mom taught me the alphabet. it was the letter f twenty-six times.

i should have known. when mom abandoned her career as an olympic skater to become a prison warden at a local maximum security prison called chili's (for mark). "that's funny," i remember saying. "your name is mark, mom. it's funny that your name is mark, too, because that's not traditionally a female name, but hey, don't let me put you in a box, you are my mother and not only do i love you, i am confident that you would never f a kid."

i should have known a lot of things.

i don't remember what happened next. i flew into a rage that was only seen by warden mark (my mom), that kid (afraid of getting f'd) and my cellmate ghost mark (omnipotent). i wrote myself a note when i first got to jail that i return to when things feel messed up.

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what happens next? the jury's out. which is just as well, because if i got a jury they'd probably all be kid f'ers named mark.

F.

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jail dispatch #3: jail art. i suck at it.

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jail dispatch #3: jail art. i suck at it.

today i made art in jail. my instructor, dan mansion, used to be a famous artist but then he f'd a dog onstage during a production of 'annie' and now he has to teach art in jail.

here's my jail art. pictured in it is me, struggling, thinking of jail.

it sucks.

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jail dispatch #1: i'm in jail

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jail dispatch #1: i'm in jail

sometimes i wake up and look at the ceiling and remember that i am in jail.

i remember this because i painted "you are in jail" in some spare feces i found in my pillowcase on the ceiling. sometimes i forget i am in jail and wake up afraid because jail is always either very cold or very hot and always either full of people who f'd kids or full of nobody but me quietly smearing a comforting poop message onto the ceiling of my cell in jail. jail, i will say, i do not like. jail sucks.

i did not f that kid, g-d it. mark did.

but someone said i did it, and so i am in jail.

it is difficult to write in jail for a number of reasons. for instance, i am suffering from a condition that causes me to believe that my fingers are tiny tiny forks, making the idea of typing messages of my innocence annoying to my jail friends. the sound of tiny tiny forks on a jail keyboard? forget about it. extremely loud. makes me scream with anxiety. so, louder still.

even when i can overcome my condition, the people in the jail (which is owned by mark, who f'd that kid, not me, but i was framed, and i'm upset about it) try to frame me for f'ing that kid, which i didn't, mark did, i was framed, and i'm upset about it. my jail friend ghost mark (not the real mark, i hope, that would suck) will post all dispatches for me from here on out.

the wi-fi password for jail is "i, jamie loftus, f'd that kid. mark is innocent. do not free me," and logging in would be considered a full confession. to make matters worse, the name of the wi-fi network is "i would do it again, mark rules." this is a messed up jail practice. i would rather have a large and dangerous man poop in my pillowcase than log into the internet here which, if i'm being honest, is exactly how it's gone so far.

i know that i did not f that kid. as many as 12 people (who have not come forward) can attest that i was buffing my shoes at the time of the kid f'ing. 

the people in jail want me to participate in extracurricular jail activities such as 'pick-up basketball' and 'admitting that you, not mark, f'd a kid, regardless of the truth.' i have no interest. i am not in jail to make friends. i am in jail because mark owns the jail and is a messed up kid f'er who will strike again.

jail sucks. free me, from jail, which i hate.

i did not f that kid. it was mark. 

mark f'd that kid.

ok, it is lunchtime. gruel again. i will say, gruel is dope.

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did mark...f that kid?

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did mark...f that kid?

mark f'd a kid. we saw him. he f'd a kid in the handicapped bathroom and came out of the bathroom shouting 'i did it! i f'd that kid, just like everyone always said i would!'

then he framed me and now i'm in jail. personally, i do not feel i should be in jail. please free me, from jail, where i am imprisoned, for a crime that mark did (that is, he f'd a kid. we saw him).


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