Making friends is extremely easy to do, especially when you are equipped with a lot of confidence and a willingness to compromise everything in the interest of impressing someone else. Here are some tips on how to show your best face when meeting new folks, even if that face belongs to someone smarter and more attractive!

1) Identify people worth knowing.
Friendship isn’t usually about shutting off your humanity, but when it comes to new people, why waste your time? Some basic things you are going to want to look for in new people:

  • attractiveness
  • wealth
  • proximity to others who possess these qualities in greater quantity
  • driver’s license or other licenses as well

2) Meet in the right place.

If you meet someone at a coffee shop or bar, there is no way they will ever take you seriously. Think outside of the box! Invite your new friend to meet you at a furniture store or in the middle of a field where a plane crashed once. They’ll respect your originality and will be more likely to form a codependent friendship! 

3) Get extremely personal.

How else are you supposed to get to know someone unless you know the worst thing that’s ever happened to them? Be sure to ask right away. If they hold back, this is a test. Ask again, and ask louder, and once you receive their answer then announce that you can fix them with your friendship…for a price. 

4) Reveal nothing about yourself.

You are not the point here! Your new friend, and the advantages they can offer you in life, absolutely are. Here are some answers to provide if asked:

  •  What do you do for a living? I am a hired killer for the president. [pause, wait for disbelief answer] No, of course not, I am a billionaire’s son and have not worked a day in my life. [pause, wait for slightly less disbelief] No, of course not. I’m kidding. What do you do?
  • Where are you from? I forget.
  • How old are you? I recently graduated from somewhere.
  • Why are you trying to hold my hand? Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t have control of my nerves and am liable to lash out at any moment. I can’t feel any area of my body at all.
  • How tall are you? At least three inches taller than my body implies.

5) Bleed to show you mean it.

Sometimes it’s hard to tell if another person is committed to a friendship as much as you are. To test any friendship, take a blunt object and cut your body open. If they don’t take it seriously when you make a small cut, then make a bigger one! Ask them to do the same. If they respond positively, you’re in the clear.

Note: Bring a clotter! 

6) Keep their interest, at any cost.

Once you’ve clotted each other’s blood, you’ve got to keep up the pace! You don’t want to lose friendship momentum, so up the ante by any means necessary - extreme sports, appealing to their insecurities, familial threats, etc. 

7) Convince them to tattoo your name on their body.

This is the most difficult step of any friendship, so it’s important to push yourself to the very limit. Of course, you must promise that you will tattoo their name on your body, but pre-arrange a deal with the tattoo artist to not actually tattoo you new friend’s name, but to scrawl it across your chest in Sharpie. Once your friend is inked and vulnerable, charge into Step 8. 

8) Exploit them.

Once the tattoo heals, take everything.