Wardrobe Meeting for Pretty Little Liars
INT. INEXPLICABLY LARGE BOARD ROOM, DAY
KRISTA, a middle aged woman wearing leopard print and hair extensions, stands at the head of a table with her two twenty-something assistants, GABE and SARAH.
KRISTA: Here we go, season six, episode seventeen - “The Devil You Bro.”
GABE: (thick vocal fry) Because of the rich girl’s half brother?
KRISTA: No, this week’s episode is sponsored by Koch Brothers. They’re rebranding.
SARAH: They’re the most fuckable of the billionaires brothers, I think.
KRISTA: So in this one, the goth girl becomes suspicious that her English teacher boyfriend -
SARAH: The one who should definitely be arrested for having sex with a sixteen year old?
KRISTA: That’s the one! So when the goth one who’s sort of goth but mostly thirty gets a note from the Sweatshirt Bad Guys, she begins to think that her boyfriend might actually be her son, not her teacher.
GABE: That’s a storyline begging for a fedora.
SARAH: Do sixteen-year-olds really wear fedoras?
KRISTA: What do you know about sixteen-year-olds, Sarah? You’re twenty-three! I’m fifty, which if you divide by four -
SARAH: Oh, come on.
KRISTA: Have it your way. We’ll have her wear a denim fedora.
Sarah’s eyes roll all the way back into her head, then reset. It’s a talent she’s spent years perfecting.
GABE: What about the lesbian? What about the lesbian?
KRISTA: The one whose only defining characteristic is that she’s a lesbian?
SARAH: Whatever happened to her girlfriend? I liked making her wear that wig with the terrible bangs.
KRISTA: This week, we’re making the lesbian wear sleeves. Sleeves, sleeves, sleeves, sixteen-year-old lesbians who are coming of age love sleeves and they love sleeves even more when they’re in weird pretzel-y knots.
GABE: Do we want to layer sleeves on top of sleeves?
SARAH: Or we could make that sleeve-scarf-pant one-piece that you thought of in a dream.
KRISTA: Let’s save that look for sweeps. This week, the lesbian gets unflattering boyfriend jeans -
GABE: Ha! I get it!
SARAH: Shut up, Gabe.
GABE: (mutters) Because she doesn’t have a boyfriend. She’s a -
SARAH: We know.
GABE: (even softer, nearly a whisper) Lesbian.
KRISTA: From the waist up, I’m thinking ponytail so that hair doesn’t get in her face when she’s deep inside of another swim team member, a short sleeved shirt with the letter “F” on it for no conceivable reason and a sheer long sleeve shirt on top of that. She likes to stay covered up.
SARAH: What’s her storyline this week, again?
KRISTA: I don’t think she ever does anything, really. She’s the show lesbian.
GABE: What about the hot, stupid one who gets into more colleges than everyone and they’re like, pissed?
SARAH: Yeah, the blonde. Is she in jail, or is her mother with the bird-like eyebrows in jail?
KRISTA: No one’s in jail for another three episodes, but I’ve already decided we’re cutting the cuffing the jumpsuits and making them cut outs. This week, the hot stupid one has a C-plot where she’s struggling to spell the word “cereal” after she gets a note from the Sweatshirt Bad Guys threatening to kill her computer hacker boyfriend.
SARAH: Why would she need to spell cereal if her computer hacker boyfriend is in danger?
KRISTA: You know what, I hadn’t even thought of that.
GABE: I think we should make her wear six inch heels made of knives and a cashmere sweater!
KRISTA: I was thinking more of a sheer skirt over bike shorts kind of thing. You know, like really hit it home that she’s a moron.
GABE: Can we do both?
KRISTA: Put it in the books. And make the cashmere sweater white, she’s going to get stabbed at the end of the episode.
SARAH: No! Is she gonna die?
KRISTA: No, it’s revealed in the open of the next episode that she had a bucket of red paint strapped to her torso for a weird fetish fashion show. Oh, and make sure to put orthopedic arch support in the actress’s heels, she’s turning forty soon.
SARAH: That leaves us with the speed-addicted rich girl. Plaid, I’m assuming.
KRISTA: She’s the focus of this week’s episode, so we’re going all out.
GABE: Did you know that the actress who plays that speed-addicted teenager just became a grandmother? Her grandson’s name is Bevin.
KRISTA: This week, speed-addicted rich chick is testifying against her half-brother, who is actually several Chinese basset hounds shoved into a prom dress, and claiming that he buried her mother alive even though her mother is alive and is her lawyer.
SARAH: Does she win the case?
KRISTA: Of course she does. Snake skin overalls, plaid mini jacket that’s so mini that it’s actually a headscarf, and a t-shirt that says “I KISS DOCTORS.” Sound good?
GABE: Any shoes?
KRISTA: Tin foil. Like little sexy baked potatoes.
SARAH: Love it.
GABE: Love it.
SARAH: Shut up, Gabe.
Krista puts on her jacket.
KRISTA: Well, that about does it for this week, gang. Any questions?
GABE: What about the blonde girl who just came back from the dead for the second time?
KRISTA: Oh, Christ, I forgot she was alive. Um, see if you can find some Limited Too cast-offs at a Goodwill. See you next week!
Sarah and Gabe smile and high five. Gabe does a bump of cocaine off of Sarah’s palm.
In the vent above the conference room we can see the beady eyes of famous character actress and PLL character Mrs. Montgomery blinking away tears, once again left to bring her own clothes to set.