Palmistry, like newspapers and unchecked prejudice, is a dying American industry on the brink of being made obsolete by millennials. As the use of internet trash astrology ascends at a startling pace, greeting untested practices like “therapy” and “seeing a movie is cheaper,” a deep panic has set into the psychic community. Palmists across the country have begun twiddling their thumbs, a very dangerous activity that can result in a grave misreading of either the life line or the Ring of Solomon. 

In response to the lack of interest in his industry, celebrity palm reader Danny Callahan has launched a new set of updated “e-palm ciga-lines” to appeal to today’s youth. He explained in a press release that these tell-tale etchings are located just beneath the hand’s first layer of skin, “like where you put your keys to scare your son, but not deep enough to actually bleed.” 

Here are his findings.

The Lines of Fav

Located just beneath the fingertips, “Fav Lines” are subtle, faint markings on the hand that indicate vague approval from the planets, but not a full endorsement. A strong fav line means that one can anticipate more substantial approval and success in the future, but is, as Callahan puts it, “a reminder that at the end of the day, a fav improves the world in no discernible way.”

The Lines of Makemake

While palm lines like Mercury, Jupiter and Saturn were popularly consulted in the heyday of palmistry, Callahan has discovered a new line along the ridge of the thumb that is dictated by the distant planet of Makemake, which lies far beyond the reaches of Neptune. 

Instead of dictating one’s fate, the lines of Makemake are truly a numbers game. Every line present on an individual’s hand is indicative of a ghost living within the its owner. Whether this spirit is benevolent, angry, or determined to make you say like, totally silly things to boys is determined on a case-to-case basis. 

For advice on how to purge ghosts from the system entirely, Callahan recommends his twelve-step program “Makemake Ghostghost Byebye,” available on audiobook or via your local home exorcist.

Line of Redundancy

This line, seemingly in the exact location of the life line, may appear to be the life line and reveal the same cosmic truths because it does. The life line is a reflection on the depth and length of a human life, and the line of redundancy is that exact same line, but one layer of skin deeper. Does the depth of the line make it a different one? It does not.

Line of Reflection

The Line of Reflection is perhaps the first etching in palmistry history thatrequires active self-mutilation to access. It indicates where you’ve been, where you’re headed, and functions as a handy alternative to a pocket mirror. To unlock this line’s rare properties, Callahan recommends a surgeon for cleanest results, or shattering a mirror in the midst of an argument for dramatic effect. 

Then, the arguer must expertly jam a shard of glass into their hand to maximize the emotional power of this distinct marking. Like any of Callahan’s uncovered palmistry secrets, The Line of Reflection could absolutely kill you. No money back.

Line of Severance

The Line of Severance straddles the thin line between hand, wrist and humanity. It may be a line you trace with the tips of your fingers in times of trouble, or a line you imagine dripping diet soda if slit. For legal reasons, Callahan cannot formally endorse the Line of Severance, but can inform you that it’s the “most metal line on the contemporary palm.”

For further questions on Callahan’s discoveries, his phone number can be found just beneath your ring finger, beneath two layers of skin on a tiny scroll of paper that you didn’t even know was there.

See you in the cosmos, traveler.